You may say right away, of course it’s the right thing to do to help. And you would not be alone in thinking this. I am here to share with you that things are a lot more nuanced than that.
Of course selfishness is to be discouraged, if we are to have a kind society.
There are countless articles that list the benefits to you in helping others. There is a part of me that wonders why do they have to list benefits for you to want to help others, but I am not going to make a huge issue out of this.
What I have issues with is people helping others for the wrong reasons OR in the wrong way. And this week’s podcast episode is about that, but also about giving you guidelines and pointers as to what non-toxic help can look like. Having myself been both on the giving and and the receiving end of help, I want to highlight that it is a lot easier to give help than to receive it. This may sound counterintuitive but we, in the Western world live in a society where we are raised to be independent, so actually needing help is already coated in shame. And that is why most people don’t ask for help. But that could be a topic for an entire separate episode.
I have issues with people who help others to make themselves feel better or look better. And there a lot more people who do this than you might actually realise. Or they help with a sense of superiority that fills a need in them to appear better.
Help needs to come from a place of authenticity and needs to come without strings attached. It’s not a bank transaction. If it’s done for the wrong reason it can be incredibly toxic, especially if the helper then believes that the person they have helped owes them something, or they see their help as validation to give unsolicited advice or maybe even impose conditions on the help. It can then become incredibly manipulative. And then it can even become an act of disempowerment.
But even if you did none of that, it’s not enough. Your intentions, even though they might be good, are not enough. You need to make sure your help is appropriate. If you want to help marginalised groups, then you need to do better than that. You need to become a better ally. In order to do that, you need to question your motives, unpack your privilege and prejudices, take responsibility for your mistakes and be proactive in your own education. Help can also be disempowering when you are assuming that a person is not capable to do something for themselves. Here is a link to the video from the Down syndrome association that I mention in the podcast.
Last but not least, learn about the Drama Triangle and always check where you stand on that triangle when you are faced with a situation where you need help or you are asked to help. You can find out more about it here.
To listen to the episode, click here.