Death and dying was a taboo when I grew up, which in a way encouraged me to want to talk about it even more. I purchased many books on the topic, especially Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ books which I found very enlightening. She offered a model for the journey that people who are faced with death go on that comprises five phases.
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
This was never meant to be a rigid model but more of an observation of what the majority of people went through. It is incredibly useful to normalise but also to support people going through this journey. I think since her seminal work, others have taken her model and expanded on it, especially for those who stay behind, i.e. the loved ones of people who die. They are likely to go through a very similar cycle though in my limited experience, people tend to stay stuck in the denial phase almost until the end.
What is really important to understand and I have discussed this in previous episodes, is that the person who is dying must be at the centre of a circle where no one is allowed to offload onto them. Offloading is only allowed outwards. So if you imagine a circle where the dying person is in the centre, then you have their loved ones, then maybe their friends and relatives, then their colleagues, if they have any or their acquaintances and last professionals involved. It is unethical for anyone to offload how they feel inward in the circle. This is what has been called the Ring Theory. The idea was born out of the frustration of a woman who lived in cancer and who had one of her colleagues tell her how upset she was about it. I hope you can see this was adding a burden onto the woman living with cancer that she could have well done without.
The other idea I explore on the podcast is that our departed loved ones care probably a lot less about their funeral arrangements and you attending the funeral than you think they do. If, for any reason, you are unable to go to someone’s funeral or you don’t want to go, let go of the guilt and know you can create your own ritual.
The last thing I wanted to talk about is whether we need to let our loved ones in heaven “rest in peace”.
I also encourage you to listen to EP 23 about signs, as your loved ones often communicate with you through these and I would love for you to know how to interpret those signs.
To listen to the episode, click here.