Laura Richard is the author of Married to a Nice Guy and a speaker who specialises in narcissistic abuse. In this episode she shares how her religious education contributed to staying in a toxic marriage.
Laura is the host of the That’s Where I’m at Podcast and in the recent episodes, her guests have talked a lot about religious abuse and she believes the two are connected. Her podcast initially talked about the things that are not talked about, and it gradually became more centered around narcissistic abuse. The more she interviews guests on the topic, the more Laura feels she deepens her understanding of the topic.
The most important first step when you leave a marriage to a narcissist is to have your experience validated. Often times, people who have not been through it do not understand. They might ask, for example, why did you not leave him? Why did you put up with all of it. One of the reasons is that it is a very gradual process at the start. You don’t see it coming until it’s too late. Either they know something about that you are ashamed of and threaten to tell everyone, or they create so much fear in the relationship that you are paralysed.
Laura was raised as a Catholic, left the church at 15 then joined some Christian churches when she married but she is now deconstructing religion. In her view, the worse thing about it is the manipulation which then leads to further manipulation by men in relationship because it’s based on patriarchy and oppressive. And you are afraid that if you leave, God will be angry at you. Laura sees a similar pattern in abusive marriages. There is a lot of mental dishonesty, but you can’t see it because you have been raised in it. That’s something that struck Laura when she was a child, how people would say one thing in Church and do almost the exact opposite after they left mass.
Laura remembers that even though her mother was a devout Catholic, when the time came for her funeral, the Catholic Church refused to do a service because she had been cremated and wanted her ashes scattered. Not only that, they told her and her sister that their mother was going to the purgatory for not wanting to be buried like other people. It was very painful.
Laura was married for thirty-two years and she wonders if her faith did not keep her longer than she needed to be in her marriage. The bible group she attended encouraged her to pray for her marriage and for her to be a better wife. It seemed that saving the marriage was more important than Laura’s wellbeing, and even safety. She was encouraged to be a better person as if that would solve the marriage’s problems, when in reality it was her husband that was the problem. She remembers how she was told that God hates divorce, so the pressure was on her to make it work, to stick it out. The reality is that it keeps women in toxic marriages longer than needed. And often times, women are being gaslit at the pulpit.
To her our conversation, head over to the podcast by clicking this link.